Vice Cessation

Today, several weeks into a time I told my wonderful doctor that I did not deem me a hopeless case giving up my tobacco habit, I am still struggling with that desire and the weakness of my character to WANT tobacco.

Over the years, many alternative solutions have been used by me: the patch, Chantrix, Nicotrol, .... willpower, disdain for the unbecomingness of smoking, especially on the street. Yet today, at 66 years, I still smoke -- well -- not recently.

The motivation at this period in my life is NOT health threat imminence, or other important loved ones wish -- it is MY wish.

In my past many obstacles were overcome by me yet in recent times I have not shown strength on any particular aspect of life. So, suddenly, when my good doctor said "do you think your case is hopeless?" I realized NO, it isn't. I want 10 more years of healthy living or more if it is in the cards! No longer will I say, it might be too late as an excuse to continue smoking.

Desire to please gave many false beginnings; also intense anger once when I gave smokes up in a reaction to a woman smoking near a down pillow expressively with a cigarette in hand; that living place a true tinderbox.

Even with that success, at a reunion, a sibling offered me a cigarette - after my 8 or 9 months with no tobacco - I enthusiastically said oh, yes. After that one move, my system was tobacco hungry. My smug confidence that the habit and need was conquered was a pipe dream.

The anger that fired me to quit was totally erased. Excuse after excuse (not reasons) were used regularly for the renewed, far more unpopular and expensive addiction.

While I am in the economic category of "very poor" by government standards, the realization that one nearly always affords a means of getting priorities of desire satisfied. My cessation is not due to extra money. It is a project of immense importance to me. Any saved money will most likely be unnoticed - as though there is a large hole in my pocket when I may say "where did the money go?" even without the exorbitant cost of tobacco.

However, more and more often my options to visit lovely gardens, etc. will emerge and be affordable.

Though when I started this, I thought the subject would address the ongoing changes in the MAZE of emotions, wants, suffering, neediness -- they aren't relevant. For each of us the challenges and dismal outlook are different, much like our various facets of experience in life.